Does the absence of parents erase our grievances?

The conflicts with parents can be a much more complicated task to process than many people think. Often, wounds and traumas from the past make it difficult to move forward, especially when the parents are no longer with us. In the world of fairy tales, family disputes are easily resolved, but in real life, the situation is far from simple. The question arises: is it possible to forgive our parents, and if so, how can we do this when they are no longer alive? Perhaps the most important thing is how we can become good parents in light of our own experiences.

Childhood abuse can take many forms, and it can often be confusing for a child to understand what a loving relationship means. The pain inflicted by the most beloved parent can provide an extremely ambivalent experience. Conflicts can arise in every parent-child relationship, and healing these wounds can often be challenging. In addition to physical and sexual abuse, verbal abuse can also have serious consequences. In many cases, a passive parent who does not protect the child from the other parent’s abuse can also impose significant psychological burdens on the child. Children of parents struggling with alcoholism or mental health issues often carry the burdens of adulthood, losing the joys of childhood.

In many cases, parents manipulate with their love, excessively control their children, or force a path upon them that does not align with the child’s desires. It is important for children to feel that their autonomy is respected and their successes acknowledged. All of these experiences leave deep marks on the child’s soul, and since parents are our primary attachment figures, these relationships fundamentally influence our adult personalities.

The Question of Forgiveness

In her book “Toxic Parents,” Susan Forward questions whether it is necessary to forgive the wrongs caused by parents in every case. This perspective can be controversial, as many religious and philosophical teachings emphasize the importance of forgiveness. However, according to Forward, it is not necessarily required to forgive in order to achieve inner peace. Forgiveness can sometimes become a tool for suppressing painful emotions, which hinders progress.

It is important to recognize that experiencing both positive and negative emotions is valid. Alongside feelings of joy, we have the right to sadness, anger, and disappointment. Forgiveness cannot be expected during the time of experiencing painful emotions, and the healing process is often long and complex. However, over time, we may reach a point where we are able to forgive our parents, and it is worth doing this at the end of the process as an active effort that allows for the release of negative feelings.

The Impact of Death and Grief on Relationships

Death not only complicates emotions but can also make the grieving process more difficult in many cases. The Latin saying “De mortuis nil nisi bonum” warns that after death, many tend to forget the problems, but this does not always aid in processing. If our relationship with the deceased was conflictual, it can be hard to mourn them. Anger or scapegoating can hinder the grieving process and make it difficult to move on.

Although we can no longer confront the deceased about their actions, there are methods for processing. One of the most effective tools is understanding family history. If we comprehend the circumstances in which our parents grew up and the difficulties they faced, it can help us empathize with them. Creating family trees, looking at family photos, or talking with relatives can all contribute to understanding our parents’ behaviors.

Experiencing emotions also plays a key role in healing. We should allow ourselves to express our anger or sadness, even through physical activities like boxing or hard work. Ritual acts, such as breaking a wine glass, can also help in expressing feelings.

Processing Techniques and Self-Awareness

Writing letters can also be a great way to process. While we cannot tell our deceased parents about our grievances in person, we can express our feelings in letter form. This letter can be read in front of an empty chair or at the cemetery, which can symbolically help in expressing emotions. Additionally, discussing our grievances with a close relative can help alleviate psychological burdens.

It is important to absolve ourselves and acknowledge that all our feelings are valid. We can write a list of what we have the right to feel, whether it is sadness or anger. Our connection with our inner child is also essential, as we can recognize what our needs were in the past and fulfill them as adults.

Self-awareness is an ongoing journey where we learn to distinguish between our childhood experiences and our own parental roles. Past experiences can shape our current relationships, but with conscious effort, we can improve this. Making mistakes is human, and fulfilling the parental role is not always easy. The kind of relationship we build with our child is now our responsibility. Based on the lessons of the past, we can become better and ensure that we create a different and more loving environment for the next generations.